We have a strange and wonderful relationship. You're strange and I'm wonderful.

George Carlin

Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

No one is as weird as he thinks he is. Everyone is weirder than others think he is.

Ellen DeGeneres

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.

Don't kick a man when he's down unless you're certain he won't get up.

Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for 75 cents.

Clean, dependable, hard working... What kind of monster have I become?!

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