I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
There is one advantage of being poor: a doctor will cure you faster.
Seventy-five percent of every stamp goes for postage.
A portrait is a picture in which there is something wrong with the mouth.
South Dakota is so underpopulated that merely by entering it you become a member of the state legislature.
A statesman is any politician it's considered safe to name a school after.
Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President, but they don't want them to become politicians in the process.
The best reason I can think of for not running for President of the United States is that you have to shave twice a day.
Give a member of Congress a junket and a copy machine and he thinks he is Secretary of State.
If Shaw and Einstein couldn't beat death, what chance have I got? Practically none.