One day I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Franklin Pierce Adams

One favorite way of wasting time is trying to say something in praise of paper towels.

Washington is Salem. If we're not lynching somebody twenty-four hours a day in this wretched town, we're not happy.

Alan Bennett

I have never understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic establishment.

John Nance Garner

The Vice-Presidency of the United States isn't worth a pitcher of warm spit.

David Brenner

A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

When IBM invented the electronic typewriter everybody thought the company was made up of idiots because nobody had complained about the typewriter as it was.

Josh Billings

There are two things in life for which we are never fully prepared: twins.


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