Looking at Bill Clinton's economic program, I feel like a mosquito in a nudist colony. The real question is where to strike first.

A nuclear power plant is infinitely safer than eating because three hundred people choke to death on food every year.

Larry Mathews

I am absolutely sure there is no life on Mars. It's not listed on my teenage daughter's phone bills.

Georg Lukacs

The secret of writing great literature is to be under house arrest.

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.

Jeffrey Bernard

Journalism is the only thinkable alternative to working.

When audiences come to see us authors lecture, it is in the hope that we'll be funnier to look at than to read.

A statistician is someone who is good at figures but who doesn't have the personality to be an accountant.

Chi Chi Rodriguez

I was never very good at mathematics, but I do understand numbers with a bunch of zeros at the end.

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