Emo Philips

I'll always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, "A truck!"

Don Meredith

He's a perfectionist. If he was married to Raquel Welch, he'd expect her to cook.

Clarence Darrow

Someday I hope to write a book where the royalties will pay for the copies I give away.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

Adolescence is that period in a kid's life when parents become more difficult.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm seven I'll be over a hundred.

Katherine Whitehorn

The main purpose of children's parties is to remind you that there are children worse than your own.

Bill Cosby

Don't worry about senility. When it hits you, you won't know it.

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