Jimmy Edwards

My dog ate my homework, teacher. It's true. I had to force him, but he did eat it.

A majority is that quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.

One of the first things you notice about a backward country is the way the children obey their parents.

Diana Kent

Some people sterilize a sweet dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will remove the germs.

The difference between the crash of 1929 and present-day stock market crashes is that nowadays computers are jumping out of windows.

If you don't believe in the resurrection of the dead, look at any office at quitting time.

Children despise their parents until the age of forty, when they suddenly become just like them, thus preserving the system.

Dennis Gunton

The value of rubbish is unaltered by translation, abstraction or citation.

Art Donovan

I'm a light eater. As soon as it's light I start to eat.

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college and got my tuition fees back.

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