Emo Philips

I lent a friend ten thousand dollars for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

Blaise Pascal

I have discovered that all human evil comes from this: man's being unable to sit still in a room.

G. K. Chesterton

Nowadays a citizen can hardly distinguish between a tax and a fine, except that a fine is generally much lighter.

Jackie Gleason

The second day of a diet is easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.

My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.

Reality may not be the best of all possible worlds but it's still the only place where you can get a decent steak.

Eric Barker

Proof-reading is more effective after publication.

Frank Tyger

There's a new dictionary for masochists. It has all the words but they're not in alphabetical order.


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