I have an important message for the American people: Always place the shower curtain on the inside of the bath.
You cannot underestimate the intelligence of the American people.
One good thing about playing a piece of modern music is that if you make a mistake, no one notices.
If you would not be forgotten as soon as you are dead, either write things worth reading or do things worth writing.
The kids from fifteen countries took math and science tests. The USA came in fourteenth, behind Slovenia, which has been a country only since last Tuesday.
If I put on five more pounds I will be eligible for statehood.
In Scotland we have a verdict "not proven"; that means "not guilty, but don't do it again."
When Columbus set out, he didn't know where he was going; when he got there he didn't know where he was; when he returned he didn't know where he'd been.
A nation is a society united by a delusion about its ancestry and by common hatred of its neighbors.
It isn't pollution that is harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.