I'm the kind of guy who will always be a friend to people in need. That's because people who are doing all right won't hang around with me.

I'd like to have an inferiority complex, but I don't think I'm good enough.

If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out.

Jackie Mason

I was such an ugly baby my mother used to diaper my face.

I get no respect. I get mail that begins, "You may already be a loser."

His parents were so prominent they came from both sides of the tracks.

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