There are only a few things in this life that give me pleasure, and I can't stand them.
Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of 80 and gradually approach 18.
You're getting older when it takes you more time to recover than it did to tire you out.
I'm not exactly bald -- I simply have an exceptionally large part.
I know a guy who will be my friend for life or until I pay him back the money I owe him, which is the same thing.
Anybody who says "truth is stranger than fiction" has never read Stephen King.
He wore a toupee that made him look about 10 years sillier.
She thought she was the Queen of England. I would have said she was insane, but I didn't want to blow my chance at knighthood.
An enemy is sometimes nothing more than a friend who got wise to you.
I never turn my back on friends. I don't trust them that much.