Henny Youngman

Barbers don't charge him for cutting his hair; they charge him for searching for it.

I gave my kids all the things I never had as a child ... and they laughed at them.

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun, and fun is a lot more work.

Joan Rivers

She's so fat, she's got more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

Life begins at 40, but so does arthritis and the habit of telling the same story 3 times to the same person.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

When you get right down to it, rich people are just poor people with money.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest: ask him. If he says yes, you know he's crooked.

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