He always leaves a 20 percent tip -- 20 percent of what anyone else would leave.

You come into this life with nothing, and you leave with nothing. It's a lot like asking a relative for a loan.

He arrives at parties so late he has to bring his own cheese dip.

Men fight for freedom and then start making laws to get rid of it.

You know you're old when everybody goes to your birthday party and stands around the cake just to get warm.

Childish behavior: anyone who is doing what we wish we could still do.

Few men during their lifetime come anywhere near exhausting the resources dwelling in them. There are deep wells of strength that are never used.

Jack Benny

I took my date to dinner last night. She was so excited, she dropped her tray.

Young people keep wanting to look older, and old people keep wanting to look younger. Middle-aged people just keep looking for their reading glasses.

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