He's so lazy, he taught his dog to fetch -- and throw the stick.

He eats like a bird. When he gets hungry enough, he swoops down and scoops up an entire goat.

Middle age is the time of life when the most fun you have is talking about the most fun you used to have.

Henny Youngman

My best friend ran away with my wife. And let me tell you, I really miss him.

He's so lazy, he likes to do absolutely nothing at all. He just closes his eyes and pretends he's a politician.

Bob Hope

How to keep looking young: Hang around with older people.

He thinks he's just a little bit better than everybody else. When he writes his name, he capitalizes the first two letters.

Henny Youngman

He's a diamond cutter; he mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.

Why keep on enacting laws when we already have more than we can break?

George Gobel

Do you ever feel like the whole world's a tuxedo and you're a pair of brown shoes?

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