It's not that I'm cheap, I just hate to give money away after I've memorized the serial numbers.

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop, and that was for the estimate.

I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

There are two types of people in Las Vegas: the haves and the hads.

I was very poor when I was a kid. My parents were wealthy, but I was poor.

Jack Benny

He is so old that his birth certificate is on a rock.

He took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they'd ever given blood.

Never poke fun at someone who misuses and abuses the English language. He may be in training to write tomorrow's hit songs.

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