We are so health-conscious today. But what good is health? It can't buy money.
You know you've reached middle age when everything in the contract is in fine print.
I told my psychiatrist I thought everybody hated me because I was so good-looking. He said, "You don't need a psychiatrist, you need a mirror."
I heard one vegetarian say, "Boy, I'm so hungry I could eat a horseradish."
Vegetables are of less importance than meat. Do you think people would really care if lima beans got tangled up in tuna nets?
I've forgotten more about memory loss than you'll ever know.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
The only parts of my body that don't hurt are parts that don't work.
My memory is starting to go. I locked the keys in my car. Fortunately, I had forgotten to get out first.
There is only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.