Erma Bombeck

I've been on a constant diet for two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

There are some good things about having bad memory. Last week I threw myself a surprise party.

Garry Shandling

I have such poor vision I can date anybody.

I can't figure out which covers less -- the hospital gown or my insurance company.

Nature's wonderful. The older-looking you get, the harder it is to see yourself in the mirror.

Nothing is more responsible for the good old days than bad memory.

She's so cross-eyed, she can go to a tennis match and never move her head.

I've never been sick a day in my life. Nights I get a little nauseous, but days never.

I had a muscle that twitched all day yesterday. It's the most exercise I've had in years.

I have so many aches and pains that I list liniment as one of my hobbies.


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