Most hospitals have two accident wards. One of them is the kitchen.

I personally stay away from health foods. At my age, I need all the preservatives I can get.

Henny Youngman

My doctor said, "Have you ever had this pain before?" I said, "Yes." He said, "You've got it again."

I have trouble remembering faces. I left mine at home four times last week.

One thing you rarely hear about vegetables: "It tastes just like chicken."

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

Henny Youngman

I'm so nearsighted, I can't even see my contact lenses.

New diet: Eat nothing but garlick and onions. Everybody stays so far away that from a distance you look thinner.

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