You know you should go on a diet when you buy something marked "one size fits all" and your name is printed on the label as one of the exceptions.

George: Did the nurse ever happen to drop you on your head when you were a baby? Gracie: Oh, no, we couldn't afford a nurse, my mother had to do it.

My doctor told me this operation was absolutely necessary -- to send his kids through college.

I asked my doctor what to do for a sprained ankle. He said, "Limp."

When you get your hospital bill, you understand why surgeons wear masks in the operating room.

I told my psychiatrist I had suicidal tendencies. Now I have to pay in advance.

My eyes are so bad I can't read menus anymore. I have to order from the pictures on the menu. One time I ordered the front of the restaurant.

Some snack foods contain so many chemicals you can't buy them without a prescription.

I asked my shrink to show me one positive result from all my visits. He showed me his new Porsche.

Henny Youngman

I told my doctor, "It hurts when I do this." He said, "Don't do that."

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