You know you should go on a diet when you buy something marked "one size fits all" and your name is printed on the label as one of the exceptions.
George: Did the nurse ever happen to drop you on your head when you were a baby? Gracie: Oh, no, we couldn't afford a nurse, my mother had to do it.
My doctor told me this operation was absolutely necessary -- to send his kids through college.
I asked my doctor what to do for a sprained ankle. He said, "Limp."
When you get your hospital bill, you understand why surgeons wear masks in the operating room.
I told my psychiatrist I had suicidal tendencies. Now I have to pay in advance.
My eyes are so bad I can't read menus anymore. I have to order from the pictures on the menu. One time I ordered the front of the restaurant.
Some snack foods contain so many chemicals you can't buy them without a prescription.
I asked my shrink to show me one positive result from all my visits. He showed me his new Porsche.
I told my doctor, "It hurts when I do this." He said, "Don't do that."