Henny Youngman

She wanted a face list. The doctors couldn't do that, but for $80 they lowered her body.

The only reason I wear glasses is for little things, like driving my car -- or finding it.

The doctor told me my operation was fairly routine and not at all complicated. I told him to remember that when he makes out the bill.

My doctor's very good. He guarantees you'll live to be as old as the magazines in his waiting room.

It's better to be healthy than wise. If you're sick, it costs you money, but you can be stupid for free.

My doctor is very conservative. If he doesn't need the money, he doesn't operate.

I went to a psychiatrist for years to get my head on straight. After all that time and money, I found out that my tie was on crooked.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away; a garlic a day keeps everyone away.

Hospitals are weird. They put you in a private room and then give you a public gown.

I told my doctor I couldn't lift my hands above my head. He told me to stay away from muggers.

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