Human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes.

Earl Wilson

Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't.

Dear Mom and Dad: I graduated from medical school so you no longer have to send me money. Just have your insurance company send it.

Good budgeting is the uniform distribution of dissatisfaction.

When I'm out driving, just once I'd like to see someone pass me without pointing to my tires.

Alexander

I do not rule Russia; ten thousand clerks rule Russia.

It is so simple to be smart. Just think of something stupid to say, then say the opposite.

Dennis Miller

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

Jack E. Leonard

The town is so small that if you go out for a night on the town, it only takes half an hour.

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