You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of at!'

George Carlin

The only thing high-definition television will do is provide sharper pictures of the garbage.

When I die, I hope it's in a meeting. The transition from life to death will be barely perceptible.

If you don't wash your hands, it gives the burgers more flavor.

Dave Barry

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.

I refuse to visit any beach not personally guarded by David Hasselhoff.

Johnny Carson

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

Johnny Carson

I was so naïve as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

401k: the amount of money I am going to invest and lose over my lifetime.

Basic Flying Rules: 1. Try to stay in the middle of the air. 2. Do not go near the edges of it. 3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there...


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