Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Tonight's weather forecast: Dark, turning to widely scattered light in the morning.
I like winter because I can stay indoors without feeling guilty.
The future is much like the present, only longer.
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
If politicians and scientists were lazier, how much happier we should all be.
It matters not whether you win or lose. What matters is whether I win or lose.
I always turn to the sports pages first, which record people's accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures.