Henny Youngman

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch up my x-rays.

Never eat anything whose listed ingredients cover more than one-third of the package.

My idea of heaven is a great big baked potato and someone to share it with.

Gerald Nachman

The toughest part of being on a diet is shutting up about it.

Chi Chi Rodriguez

I'm on a grapefruit diet. I eat everything but grapefruit.

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